I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus since having baby #2.
A lot has happened in 4 months. There have been a lot of ups. There have been a lot of downs. There has been a lot of self doubt and an unimaginable amount of tears. I was so looking forward to coming back to work. I love my job and the people I work with. I love the atmosphere of the office and the ideals that we strive to share with our community. Be it by force or by choice, these women have become friends.
So when unspeakable tragedies in their lives came rolling in one right after another for the first few weeks I was back, obviously it was hard. Really hard. There was a lot of weird guilt on my part for having a healthy, happy baby while two of my co-workers had lost theirs. There was a lot of anger- a lot of questions. How could a loving God allow such an exciting and happy prospective only to take it away at the last minute? Why did this happen to them? The why’s, the how’s, all of it. There was a lot of awkward “do I text or call?” “Should I go with the others to visit?” There still is, honestly.
By nature, I’m a worrier. I worry about everything. I know I shouldn’t- but it’s my thing and I can’t help it. I’ve become a crazy about my children. By this point in Gage’s infancy I had moved him to his own room. Easton is still sleeping in the pack n play next to my bed- with 0 plans of moving him anytime in the near future. A sniffle or sneeze sends my nerves into overdrive from either of them. I’m slowly getting better about this. So far both boys are doing wonderfully. Gage has warmed up to being a big brother and Easton adores him. We’re all learning together.
Speaking of learning… I’ve always known the importance of taking time for myself. I’ve been aware that in order to properly “fill my family’s cups” I needed to have a full cup of my own. I’m learning how to do that better. Learning to appreciate the small things and quiet moments more as well as when I need to take a break. Learning that it is absolutely okay to get a babysitter while I go grocery shopping or to lay down and nap while the boys are napping. I’m learning that my kid’s are different. They have different personalities. Different quarks. Different things that make them tick. I’m learning that my two year old is going to be a very dominant personality and that traditional “bust his hiney and make him mind” ideals really don’t even phase him- having to find different ways of discipline…and I’m learning that that’s okay! (yeah, I said it, it’s okay, come at me) I’m learning to accept what is and be even more flexible when it comes to planning (I already was because…farm life.) I’m learning that I will never stop learning.
SO… yeah, working mom of two life has been a whirlwind thus far. But we’re making it. And we’re doing great. Currently (not so) patiently waiting for wheat harvest.